you see, i'm a pretty determined sort of girl. i don't let things get to me. i psych myself up for the hurdles i see coming. i hold my breath and jump through hoops.
and yet, the very fact that i plow through obstructions becomes in itself an obstruction. because i do it. i, i, i. and in all my doing, any shred of dependence is lost.
the really bad thing is that i know what i'm doing now. i realize that i'm distancing myself from God by holding all these things. and yet i don't let them go. i don't relinquish them for Him to accomplish through me. not until i either reach the limit of my humanity or i miss Him so badly that i break.
this time is was the latter.
i frustrate myself easily, make myself wish that i could just stay here in this place of seeking Him first and relying on Him even - especially - for the little things. and then i catch my lingo: "i should be able to do this." yeah. no wonder i fail.
but still He draws me back. back to this place where i am again, declaring dependence.
p.s. caroline (another of my lovely friends) had a blog birthday! and she's giving presents. head on over and help along the party. :)
you're welcome to steal (borrow, share, whatever you want to call it!) anything anytime, friend. i know i borrow plenty of inspiration from you! i actually took the phrase "declaring dependence" from the title of this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arIfdcoAJ0Y).
ReplyDeletei'm struggling with this declaring dependence, too. when you mentioned frustrating yourself, oh that sounds like me as well. i am thankful He doesn't give up on us and continually draws us back to Him.
i love you, friend. {hugs} xoxo
first of all, let me say that that is just about the coolest picture ever! how did you take it, is it a bridge?
ReplyDeletesecondly, i think we may be long lost sisters. that is the only way i can explain the same thoughts i've had lately. (this is such a great post!)
these are the verses that, lately, have been coming to mind:
"... when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." James 1:3-4
for me the keyword there is "let" or even "allow", that is the tough part. to "let" these things in your life to go the way you (again the "i" thing!) don't want them to, so that we can learn more...that's hard, very hard!
lately "troubles" have not been painful circumstances, but things not going the way i want them, or the way i expect them to go. that is where i know my faith needs to grow, to let go and let God.
yes, kaitie, it's a bridge. :) i took it from another bridge that passes under the one pictured (the one in the picture is a railway bridge, i was biking with my bro on the other bridge). that's why it looks like i insanely climbed the bridge with my camera to get a picture. although i would probably think that was fun. but i didn't do it in this case. ;)
ReplyDeletep.s. i've been finding long lost sisters everywhere recently. :) so glad you're in the group! and i so agree with the "let it grow" emphasis. so often i take myself in hand to spur on my own faith...instead of waiting on God to grow me.
ReplyDelete(hugs)