i was uploading pictures...

and i used a form of the word "wait" twice in one sentence of the photo description. so i did what any self-respecting person would do. i looked it up in the thesaurus. ok, not really in the thesaurus...at the thesaurus. it gives not only the synonyms of "wait" but also ones for select related words.

one of those was "abide."

this word has always carried to me a connotation of staying with something. you know: "abide in Me," "faith, hope, and love abide." they keep going. they continue.

the definition here was different. "to stop temporarily and wait for," it said.

i'm pretty sure i blinked.

because you know what that means? that means that abiding doesn't look like me running to stay abreast with God. it doesn't look like me striving to be where He is or fretting about finding His path. abide doesn't look like that.

abide looks like me letting go of my agenda and compulsions and worries - even the ones for "good things" - and listening for His stillness. it looks like me sitting at His feet and drinking in His words. it looks like me stepping back from my busyness and following His purposeful prompting.

this message has been coming to me in different ways all summer long.

and so after i blinked, i smiled. chalk one up to God.

captivated.

so i have the urge to write. to just keep typing until my guts or what-ever-it-is-that-i-really-want-to-say flows onto the screen. to spill my nothingness out until my head quiets with true silence.

i've had this urge for a few days. i normally avoid blogging in times like these because i know i'll say anything just to hear my own voice. to hear my own voice somewhere besides echoing endlessly inside me.

i normally wait. wait until the urge has passed, wait until the message becomes clear. wait until it is not my restless voice that speaks but His calm, His purpose, in me.

i ache for that effortless knowing. its experience is breathtaking. living, abiding, in His purpose an exquisite gift.

twice this year i've felt the consummation of His Presence channeling through me. twice this year i've felt the intense wash of His grace. the extreme of His mercy.

twice i have watched Him move and turned, speechless in wonder, to marvel at His wake.

and twice i've been left in what felt like devastation and emptiness, with a hunger to be filled again.

what i'm learning, as i sit in this seemingly sparse place for the second time, is that my Breath has not left me breathless. i see His power and i yearn for another outpouring of grace through my life, yet He sees my tender heart and seeks to fill it. i move to grasp at the raw beauty of His work, but He turns my face to tranquil rest.

and here, in the rest and the filling where i squirm to be "busy" again for Him, He holds me until i see. see that it is here that He is and not there. I AM, He says. not I was or I will be. I AM. now. here.

with me.

my words quiet in His Presence. His peace comes.

on trust.

i think God has it out for me, in an amazingly good and scary way. there's this thing He does. He pushes me out past the point where i'm comfortable, out where i think i can't make it. and while i wrestle His grasp, hoping to break free so i can go back to where i think i should be, He holds me safe. firmly. yet gently.

eventually, i get the picture. i settle. i trust. and i get comfortable again, in this new place that used to be scary. i decide it's not so bad - in fact, it's just right. it must be the place i'm supposed to be. (i desperately try to avoid thinking that i have "arrived," because i know that's just asking for it. but i do think that. more often than not.)

that's when He pushes me again.

it's been going on for a while, this cycle. it's repeating itself right now. i so get david's prayer, his impulse to flee to what has been his comfort even while he knows that God is bigger. he knows.

and i know. so i'm seeking to trust.

dangerous prayer.

if it seems as if i am recently quite sporadic about being here on the blog...well, then, the appearances are true. life is moving at pellmell speed, and (apparently) i am along for the ride.

{i am, however, keeping up with the photos for my 365 project. so if you click the link over there ---> in my sidebar, you can see that. just in case you miss me. :)}

i am really glad for grace. for the way that, when i am completely empty - physically, mentally, emotionally - He carries me. i am really grateful, for being emptied, so that i can be taught to trust.

it's actually kind of hit me in the face during the past two weeks, that when He is doing all the work is quite truly when things go most smoothly. it's when He spills out of all my broken, fraying edges. (instead of me holding those edges together by my own wit.)

when i'm weak, that's when He is strong.

that's when i sit in the "wrong" spot (by what my mind would normally say but doesn't take the energy to process) - the spot that's really right where He wants me. that's when i stay there in that spot through the afternoon in the sunshine, hearing others and being part of a community.

that's when a teacher says my name when asking for prayer for a fellow student but looks at someone else, but i'm to tired to notice (what would normally be very obvious to me). and so it is through my mouth that God pours His words, His truth, as a healing balm to a hurting soul.

that's when, after all this has poured through me to others and i begin to see - when i begin to see and question how i can be so empty and yet be a vessel of God's grace to others - and my heart is filled with the awesomeness and the devastation of it, that's when He won't let up on me, won't let me eat lunch in my car where i collapse in relief. that's when He prods me around the corner to the space where i have never ventured, to sit on bricks underneath a sheltering tree and breathe the air and know my soul restored.

He's really good at this strength thing. i need lots of practice on this being weak thing.

it's a dangerous thing to pray for, i tell you. and, i dare you to try it!

no, it's not a list.

are you glad for some paragraphs to appear here once again? :) i am, as much as i do love lists.

i have a few minutes before i leave for school, and just thought i'd chat. because, while i've been absent from this space, much has occurred! i became, for instance, no-longer-a-teenager.

and i started (for another instance) a project which i'd contemplated for a few months. i finally decided to stop worrying about whether i could actually do it or not (a picture a day for a year...lots of contingencies) and just start. so i did, and here i am.

my time is up, and i know there's not much here, but i just wanted to say hello again. :) i will leave you with my "verse of the day," from psalm 56: "for You have delivered my life from death, yes, and my feet from falling, that i may walk before God in the light of life and of the living."

come walk with me?

because i love lists, no. 5

or, the treasures my camera captured today.
1. my *blissful* breakfast. seriously, i have never cooked an omelet so perfect. butter and onions and spinach and black olives, oh my. such goodness. cooked every bit of the way through but not overdone on the outside. (and that, my friends, is success.)

2. ummm...where did it go?!

3. yesterday found me hammering away at my walls - and doing some over-the-top things with a level and super-duper-wall-rub-ons. i am in love with the results. completely. i walk into my room and swoon...and spend my time building castles in the sky for the continuation of my "art wall." (see, i told you i was hopelessly in love. ahem.) i can't wait to frame a few pieces that are already complete. {you can compare this photo to the blank wall pictured in image #3 of this post. see the difference? drastic, i tell you.}

are you tired of lists yet?

quiet.

"courage doesn't always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'i will try again tomorrow.'" -mary anne radmacher

something to say.

i must say it feels rather strange to have posted here so infrequently this week. (or, maybe it's strange that after posting almost every day for the past two months, i now think of three blog posts in a week as "infrequent." i can't decide which. you choose.)

whether it feels strange or is strange, here i am.

i don't really have anything to say.

except, i've been reading joseph's story this week - you know, the joseph who was sold into slavery and interpreted pharaoh's dream and oversaw egypt's production...that joseph - and it was awesome to me that pharaoh put joseph in charge of everything because there was no man that was equal to joseph, because the Spirit of the Lord was in Him. *abiding* in joseph's heart. making him unlike any other man in egypt. pretty amazing, huh?

i don't really have anything to say, but i did capture another handmade...this one was *so* much fun.

 

i don't really have anything to say, oh! except that sweet kaitlyn over at i stand redeemed has tagged me so kindly, and you really must go over and see. (i'm not going to tag anyone so i won't put it on my blog, but i am quite tickled to be tagged - thanks, kaitlyn!)

so that's the end. i suppose i had a few things to say, after all. :)

written words::abiding

abide.

for days i have tried to envision my dreams for this new year. i must admit i've come up rather blank, because (the truth is) i have an immensely hard time imagining anything more...perfect...than 2009. i don't mean picture perfect. i just mean *right* perfect.

i've stopped trying to make a "wish list" for 2010. i'm just along for the ride. after all - even if i can't find the words (or even the comprehension) for it - what i really want for this year is whatever He wants. so here i am, walking into a new world of possibility, listening for His Voice so i can follow. so i can be with Him. abiding.

(it's my word.)