captivated.

so i have the urge to write. to just keep typing until my guts or what-ever-it-is-that-i-really-want-to-say flows onto the screen. to spill my nothingness out until my head quiets with true silence.

i've had this urge for a few days. i normally avoid blogging in times like these because i know i'll say anything just to hear my own voice. to hear my own voice somewhere besides echoing endlessly inside me.

i normally wait. wait until the urge has passed, wait until the message becomes clear. wait until it is not my restless voice that speaks but His calm, His purpose, in me.

i ache for that effortless knowing. its experience is breathtaking. living, abiding, in His purpose an exquisite gift.

twice this year i've felt the consummation of His Presence channeling through me. twice this year i've felt the intense wash of His grace. the extreme of His mercy.

twice i have watched Him move and turned, speechless in wonder, to marvel at His wake.

and twice i've been left in what felt like devastation and emptiness, with a hunger to be filled again.

what i'm learning, as i sit in this seemingly sparse place for the second time, is that my Breath has not left me breathless. i see His power and i yearn for another outpouring of grace through my life, yet He sees my tender heart and seeks to fill it. i move to grasp at the raw beauty of His work, but He turns my face to tranquil rest.

and here, in the rest and the filling where i squirm to be "busy" again for Him, He holds me until i see. see that it is here that He is and not there. I AM, He says. not I was or I will be. I AM. now. here.

with me.

my words quiet in His Presence. His peace comes.