Monday, May 10, 2010

summer school: unashamed.

i know what you're thinking. i thought she said that school was over for the semester? yes. i did. and i meant it.

but i realized today that this release from formal instruction in no way precludes the learning of new lessons - it actually creates space where i can open my eyes and ears to see and listen more deeply than before. listen to bigger lessons. see bigger pictures.

i saw one of those today as i ran for the first time in months. i watched myself strive for perfection (everybody runs three straight miles cold, even when they couldn't do it before, right?). i laughed at the bar i set for myself.

but then i saw that bar in other assumptions i've made recently - like the one where i assume that my relationship with God will stay the same, always operating under the terms i've settled into, and then wonder why He feels so far away. i've checked the boxes, right? i've cleared that bar. so He should be here.

uh huh. when did those things that used to be the ebb and flow of a relationship become a checklist? when did i think that i had God figured out? and how did i miss that if growth in Christ is my goal, i have to be willing to learn new things, go new places with God?

willing to learn. willing to stop and listen. willing to run in shorter spurts. willing to recognize this beginner's status as growth (instead of as failure. missing the mark of that high bar.)

i suppose it's a little ironic that my lesson for today is that there is no shame in learning. no shame in lacking the ability to run three straight miles. absolutely no shame in not having God in a box. no shame in admitting - allowing - room for growth.
. . . . . . . . . .
thus begins the theme of "summer school" - a record of the lessons i'm learning throughout these longer days of sunshine.

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