summer :: day 15

i struggle to write when my world, my life, my heart is a mess. (i guess that's actually kind of always. that things are a mess. sin exists, after all. but you know what i mean. more than the usual mess. extremely messy, actually.)

or maybe i should just say hard. confusing. exhausting. emptying. oh so very heavy, taking effort to raise even my eyelids to the day, much less my body and soul.

that's when i shy from writing, because i want to be real but disdain complaining. and i can't find the line between the two to be sure i don't cross it. so here i am. draw your own line.

thanks for listening. let me get that out there. i need to be here. i need to share. it's a means of God's grace to me right now, to talk, to share, to receive love. it's humbling. but really - thanks.

i know this is kind of a blindside because last my blog heard, i loved my job. i was blissed out. head over heels, feet in the sky. now, i've fallen. hard.

you don't really need the details or gossip or whatever it's called. but things have shifted. what was up is down now. what was easy is hard. what was good is...hard too.

i doubt my calling these days. i doubt my sanity. and my ability.

i pray, and i give up my imagined right to success - even perceived success. even success in the eyes of others. i realize that maybe this is one big objective on learning humility in God's lesson plans for me.

i try to remember that He never asked me not to be human. (kls)

and i search for comfort.

random things cross my brain and stand out, like the fact that i relax completely when i drive but my body has kinks in it afterwards, and isn't that counter-intuitive? i make a list in my head of lists to write:  
}"easy things to take care of myself" (when i don't have the energy to exercise...or really anything else for that matter)
}"things that people's words/attitudes cannot take from me"
}"why i actually truly like kids" (so i - maybe - can remember)
}"possible reasons why couples would have children when they plan on sending them to childcare?" (are there any? i mean, seriously. what is the point of having children if you are not going to raise them?)

some reasons you should not worry (another list, actually made this time):
-one thing i actually fully trust at the moment is God's goodness. call me crazy, but without this i actually would be. crazy, that is.
-i suppose that if i do truly trust that goodness, all of these other overwhelming things can be reasoned into ok-ness. (note to self: good point, emily. think about that.) that's actually not a reason you shouldn't worry. just thought progression. sorry.
-there are people on my side. my family gets a big shout out here. my parents just held me in the kitchen for almost half an hour. (giant sigh of relief)
-the fact that i am sharing this is proof that i am ok. if i wasn't "ok," i would be hiding, silent, dark. for an introvert, a tiny bit of drama is actually healthy. sometimes. (see: i'm trying to convince myself.)
-because God said so. just putting that out there. to myself.

reason #2 i don't like writing at times like this: it feels selfish. (goes back to that humility thing.) please know that you are under no obligation to either read or comment on my blog. (but you've read it now, i know. and i really meant that thank you.)

xo all, and please add a grain of salt. thanks.