momentary weakness, lasting assurance.

i am a tad irked by doubt of late (and i do mean really just a tad, don't worry). do i really want these things--these things i am putting so much time and energy into--so badly? is there really purpose to the hours of work and study that currently fill my days?

it doesn't feel like it. it just feels like so many boxes to check. complete homework for this course. be present at that class. spend x amount of hours here.

is it all futile?

i'm not one to let myself get frustrated like this. once i choose a path (and i'm not the indecisive type), i take pride in sticking to it with no complaints and a lot of drive.

trouble is, i never know now whether to phrase descriptions of myself like these in the present or the past tense. because i've changed. i'm easier on myself now. (which is probably still hard on myself in other people's terms.) so what was once my instinctive nature is now...conflicted.

i don't want to allow feelings of futility to question/endanger my put-together "plan" (macho/cold/old-ish me). but i don't want to ignore/stuff/repress those feelings, either (open/honest/willing-to-deal/new-ish me). (so then i go around in circles - i'm frustrated at the seeming-futility and then i get frustrated with myself that i am frustrated, and then i get frustrated with myself at the fact that my frustration is frustrating and oh-my-goodness you shouldn't even be reading this.)

all this to say: tonight i'm trying to find the happy medium between scrapping three-fourths of a quality education for some completely idealistic and impulsive thing i dream up on the one hand, and disallowing any and all questions or misgivings and keeping on playing this crazy game to "not lose"on the other hand.

He knows the plans He has for me. that's my assurance tonight. and it, along with the fact that i've now expressed my conflict and so all-of-a-sudden am much less conflicted, is enough. i really had no idea when i proposed an accountability for being real this month how real it would be. take it all with a grain of salt. :) and this last bit with the link is most important. xo all.