color play::a vote.

color is enticing. today i brainstormed combinations for these striped handwarmers (the stripes are tiny, you must click and see how they make the two hues morph). in the process, i thought it would be fun to see what y'all's favorites are. so which pairing gets your vote?

(a) .the conventional choice.

(b) .the bold, preppy combo.

(c) .rich and elegant.

or (d) .warm and rustic.

take your pick!

I met...

...with four other girls on campus tonight in the first of (hopefully) many weekly Bible (prayer, fellowship) studies.

It will be good.

::randomness::

::nine. the number of individuals with whom i had correspondence (reciprocal or nonreciprocal) today. text, email, handwritten, etc. this isn't counting face-to-face. i feel quite productive and communicative. but that's just me.

::if i could kiss blogger, i would (might). they finally developed a photo uploader that...uploads photos. the way you tell it to. no more coercing and manipulating of the blog post for me.

::three. the number of extra tabs i have open. when i come across something i especially like or need to hear on the web (a project that inspires me, a blog post, a picture i like, a recipe, etc) i leave it open in my browser until i either do something about it (reread the post, make the recipe, etc) or bookmark it. right now there are three.

::this is one of those links. those stripes are sooo calling my knitting fingers. forget that i have a love/hate relationship with actually wearing handwarmers. i want to knit them. i'd have to decide on colors first (oh, the options). and finish the sweater currently on my needles. but that's why i'm keeping the link open. motivation.

::sometimes, when i'm really unmotivated (read: in dire emergencies), i use this site to help me out. somehow i focus more intently when there's a timer going. and that break. oh, i'll work for that break.

::thankfully, i haven't actually used the above site for several months. (whew.)

::seven. the number that is last on this list. ni'night, friends.

a sabbath silence.

the many (cute) faces of josie

improvise.

 or, what to do there is no asparagus to top your home-made pizza crust.

1. stay calm.
2. recall the other pizza recipe you drooled over several...months...ago.
3. combine elements of both recipes (goat cheese from one, fresh tomato slices and avocado on top from another) and add a few twists of your own (golden-sauted onions and a little bit of feta)
4. end up with something (delectable) in between focaccia and pizza. be glad your younger brother is not at home so that he cannot mimic your sounds of delight as you eat. try to remain calm...and fail in the face of such yumminess.

yes. i liked my lunch today. 

the creative side of things.

a pillow-gift i made semi-recently. guess the recipient's favorite color?

knitting this. (i started the neck shaping tonight. exciting. :D)

cooking/baking this for lunch tomorrow. (my practicum school is year-round and on break this week = a holiday for me!) i have a thing for goat cheese. and the smell of homemade pizza dough as it rises. oh my.

putting cream-colored cotton thread on the list so i can quilt a bit between homework assignments. sew three seams, complete one assignment. repeat. (endlessly.)

these things help to keep me sane.

i drove home under an almost-full moon tonight.

yes, i was driving when i took this picture.

no, there was absolutely no one around and no, i was not going above 35 mph.

yes, it is blurry. i was driving.

yes, i was going for the spectacular, still beauty.

but yes, the motion works too. somehow the two keep getting mixed up these days. i'm ok with that. it doesn't keep the moon from taking my breath away.

a whole hour, peeps. under that moon. i promise i did look at the road...a little bit.

hope you're enjoying it too. :)

remembering...

tonight, i am reminded of my word for the year. i pray once again to abide.

january and february and june (i know that post is from july, but the things i talk about in it really happened in june. promise.) seem worlds separate from my life right now. yet my God is here. now. this is where i abide.

with Him.

three things::an unrelated list.

made @ www.wordle.net

::i feel like today was three days in one - three separate entities. i observed/interviewed/visited a family/nurse of a young child with special needs this morning as part of a field experience for school. i "worked." (or basically played house, which is really how much i enjoy cleaning, doing laundry, and caring for someone else's children.) and  i came home and co-hosted a stamping event with my mother. see? three hats.

::i got a phone call this evening. a neighbor is looking for a math tutor for her struggling daughter. the thought of coaching algebra makes me insanely happy. [insert clapping hands here.]

::i talked to God about a lot of little things today. so good. i've been missing intimacy in busy-ness, but the two are not mutually exclusive. i'm drawing near.

putting it into words.

this thought - this heart-knowing - has been forming throughout the past week plus a few days, and is just now solidifying into expression. it started as stubborn (or desperate, however you want to read it) defiance of fear: doing what i know is right anyway, utter trust in absolute uncertainty. then it became incomprehensible peace (you know, the kind that passes understanding). now finally it is gaining substance, something i can hold to.

an english professor would be spazzing out right now; i've been using words like "this" and "it" without ever defining such nebulous terms. "it" has to do with a purpose for my current place in life, a direction or target for my current path, a reason for now. something long-term.

or, as it turns out, not-so-long-term (and yet it is, in a way). because the purpose, the direction, the reason for these days is to use my gifts and my activities and my goals, to live in them to God's glory. His glory right now. His glory in wherever He takes me.

i know this amazing revelation [ahem. sarcasm.] is kind of a "duhhh" thing. my head could have told you that's my purpose. my heart needed a little reminding. a little applying of theology to the practicalities and realities of life (that's a whole 'nother discussion). a little bit of putting it into words.

thinking about...

::this story. i've now made several attempts to write this next sentence and communicate how the vulnerable heart this woman shares moves me, blesses me. i can't quite do it. but every time i leave her blog, i leave with new eyes, and new hunger for Christ.

::the pear bars cooling on the oven downstairs because i had a bowlful of tiny, ripe pears and only me to eat them. and since you can only eat so many pears, bars come to the rescue. yummy, autumny bars. i know it's not here yet, but i can feel fall in the air.

::a form of chivalry (or its modern counterpart) that i witnessed/received yesterday and its effects on me. and how the culture of feminism affects the effects of chivalry on me. it's a little convoluted. it's a lot good.

and with those (meager) thoughts i will leave you. have a good weekend. :)

simple soul food.

praying.

grandmom (left) and aunt mame (right), may 2009

::for my family. for blessings on their going in and coming out this weekend, peace in their endeavors, God's providence in their words as they speak publicly and converse more quietly with extended family members.

::for comfort for my grandmother, who (about a year and a half after losing her husband) has lost her dear sister.

::that God would use me for whatever purpose He has planned here for me. i'm trusting in peace.

options.

i have this blank post staring me in the face and i find myself oscillating between two courses of thought: the trivial amusing train or the intense, difficult-to-express one. so far neither is winning - they've been pushed out by straightforward writing.

every day is filled with so many options. do i smile at the stranger walking past or save that energy for myself? do i sing while driving or pray? (both have their perks) do i get up when my alarm first goes off or do i push the snooze button? what do i write as i introduce myself to the parents of my practicum preschoolers? will my words and thoughts be encouraging today? am i fulfilling my chief end?

if you were in my shoes, you might see different choices, just as i may overlook the options that are readily apparent to you. (for instance, the interaction decisions that i analyze may flow naturally to you. or logistical things you deliberate might be my second nature. like that.) it's part of how - and who - God made us.

today i'm thanking Him for the options (even the pesky ones) that are mine. and making the most of them.

.......

as motion envelopes her being,
she sinks
into everlasting Grace.
she soars above the currents
on wings not her own.

seeing.

next thing.

the past few nights i've wrapped everything up and been ready for bed and then realized that i still have to post. i have countless lists running through my head (and on paper): things to do for school, things to do for life, things to think about, things to plan...

one of the pieces i've been sorting through and beginning to understand (after the initial confusion thursday night) is the transition i'm currently in. it's one i didn't see coming, one that caught me off guard (i know, that's redundant). i'm wrapping my mind around it now in bits.

it's the transition from college student into professional. i was expecting this, planning for it to come...only about nine months from now. so i thought i had time. and i do, in a way. the transition won't really reach completion stage until then. but it starts now as i spend half my day time in a professional setting.

whirled around and never allowed to rest indeed. (john calvin quote in the comments) i've just now become really truly comfortable as a "college kid" and whoosh! next thing! ah well. the adventuring-with-God-to-His-new-place-for-me i can do. the trying-to-make-the-old-way-work-when-it-seems-like-pulling-teeth thing was taking its toll. i actually find myself comforted here in this place of absolute uncertainty and utter trust - a place that is familiar and where God has worked the most breathtaking things in the past. this is where i get to let go of having it all together. this is where i fall. this is where He waits to catch me.

it will be more or less scary, depending on the day. i'm good with that. here's to the transition, to stepping up.

p.s. i really miss my pictures. i miss the result (pictures on my blog) but i also miss the process, the slow, conscious act of seeing. it's on my list (one of them) to change in the next week. just making note.

claiming light.

in the simple things. like eating my lunch in the gorgeous outside. baking something special. playing a game with my siblings.

it all adds up. He is here. (always is, always has been.)

momentary weakness, lasting assurance.

i am a tad irked by doubt of late (and i do mean really just a tad, don't worry). do i really want these things--these things i am putting so much time and energy into--so badly? is there really purpose to the hours of work and study that currently fill my days?

it doesn't feel like it. it just feels like so many boxes to check. complete homework for this course. be present at that class. spend x amount of hours here.

is it all futile?

i'm not one to let myself get frustrated like this. once i choose a path (and i'm not the indecisive type), i take pride in sticking to it with no complaints and a lot of drive.

trouble is, i never know now whether to phrase descriptions of myself like these in the present or the past tense. because i've changed. i'm easier on myself now. (which is probably still hard on myself in other people's terms.) so what was once my instinctive nature is now...conflicted.

i don't want to allow feelings of futility to question/endanger my put-together "plan" (macho/cold/old-ish me). but i don't want to ignore/stuff/repress those feelings, either (open/honest/willing-to-deal/new-ish me). (so then i go around in circles - i'm frustrated at the seeming-futility and then i get frustrated with myself that i am frustrated, and then i get frustrated with myself at the fact that my frustration is frustrating and oh-my-goodness you shouldn't even be reading this.)

all this to say: tonight i'm trying to find the happy medium between scrapping three-fourths of a quality education for some completely idealistic and impulsive thing i dream up on the one hand, and disallowing any and all questions or misgivings and keeping on playing this crazy game to "not lose"on the other hand.

He knows the plans He has for me. that's my assurance tonight. and it, along with the fact that i've now expressed my conflict and so all-of-a-sudden am much less conflicted, is enough. i really had no idea when i proposed an accountability for being real this month how real it would be. take it all with a grain of salt. :) and this last bit with the link is most important. xo all.

five things i am grateful for...

::homework for the week that is finally done. i still have to start...and hopefully finish...next week's homework in the next few days, but this week is done done done.

::the amazing sunset tonight. and that i got to see it. i love driving back roads while the sun is setting.

::friends with whom to eat dinner. and share umbrellas. even for about five drops of rain. (i hate umbrellas, so i don't know why i carry one. probably to build my commuter's-bag-carrying-muscles. but since i have hair-straightening friends, i suppose the umbrella comes in handy. i should have been a girl scout.)

::His love set upon me. i feel it so.

::i suppose i should also say something about practicum. :) so i'm grateful for the preschool teacher, who seems nice. and the class, who should be a good (and not too-too intense) learning experience.

so...i'm supposed to be doing homework...

writing six-point lesson plans, to be exact. health, wellness, and/or safety in a way developmentally appropriate to preschoolers, anyone? yeah.

so i'll call this brainstorming (not true). or killing time (somewhat true). or maybe just writing-one-blog-paragraph-between-each-lesson-plan-point (true). there we go.
.................................................................................................

you can scrap all of the above. once i got the rogue "distraction syndrome" out of my system i got right down to work. three lesson plans. (school) journal entry. research. clothes ironing. it's been 5 hours since i started this post.

so. words. :) honestly i'm a little short. i start practicum bright and early tomorrow morning and at the moment my primary two sentiments are "bring it on" and "the fact that my body is already complaining this loudly when i've only had one crazy day can't be a good thing."

so i think some stretching is in order before i leave in the morning. which means i need to set my alarm earlier. funny how that works.

i've used the word "so" a lot in this post. not surprising really. if i left myself without my preachy writer's conscience, i'd use that word even more. it's just extremely convenient. so.....

notice something else? i'm rambling. that's bad, peeps. only day 7 of september and i've already digressed into mindless chatter. but what was it i started with? "it doesn't even always have to be about the thing or the emotion itself. it's just the act of sharing, of being open, of pushing myself past my internal boundaries into the free air." yeah. so...(ahem) this is me, pushing my chattery brain out past its boundaries. see? you haven't been missing much. :)

(please don't mind the crazy self-disparaging sense of humor here. i get this way when i'm tired. if i were you, i'd probably be annoyed with me but since i'm me, i'm merely madly amused [check out the consonance]. i shall desist. for now. i promise. but i should probably have saved the boggle-eyed picture of me punchy that i can't believe i had the guts to post (yay!) for this rant. it would soo fit. oh bother. there it is again. let me leave before it pops up any more. ni'night all.)

josie went boating today.

thanks to dad for the phone pics!

she took a bone with her.

i, on the other hand, did not go boating today. i slept in. :) i'm going to need those few extra hours for this week.

on the power of song.

i sang "i love to tell the story" in the kitchen this evening. i was doing the dishes; josie was supposed to be sleeping in her crate. instead, she proceeded to make quite a fuss. and so, as i loaded the dishwasher, i began to hum.

i had deja vu almost instantly. don't you love how music does that? i knew without a doubt that i had hummed that very song before, even with the same intent - to bring full-bodied calm to myself and to the ones who could hear me.

it took me a while to figure it out. when i did, though, there i was: walking rows across a foyer in canada with a five-week-old treasure on my shoulder, measuring our breaths to the phrases of melody. listening to her siblings upstairs in their beds and baths. and the same, full, joyous calm.

it's a good memory. i'll have to sing that song more often. :)

right now.

taken by a little friend about a month ago (those are my hands)

 sitting:: on the living room sofa with my feet up

singing in my head:: "will my life find me by Your side? Your love is beautiful, so beautiful. at the end of it all I want to be in Your arms."

getting ready to:: watch the fourth episode (at least) of little dorrit with most of my family.

smiling:: at the thought of oatmeal cookies baked, a house cleaned, and time spent in the gorgeous outdoors.

keeping close:: God's grace, like a blanket wrapping me.

thought for the day.

after last night's post, i opened up my Bible study on the psalms of ascent this afternoon to find these verses:

"i look to you, heaven-dwelling God, look up to You for help.
   like servants, alert to their master's commands,
      like a maiden attending her lady,
   we're watching and waiting, holding our breath,
      awaiting Your word of mercy"
        psalm 123: 1-2

hmmn. coincidence? no; just God being awesome.

up.

i am eating my challenge today (or maybe it's eating me). eating it (or...vice versa) because it is nine o'clock and my body is tight and tired and the last thing i want to do is sit here and drum up words.

i suppose that's the point. so here i am.

this morning, after taking miss josie out to "do business" and witnessing the spectacular sky and streamer clouds, i went back with my camera and laid in wet grass to capture the blue. then i rolled over to my belly and caught sunbeams playing in the dew. with the cool (pre-hurricane) breeze, it was really quite noteworthy.

last night i sat on a brick wall at school and watched for a quarter of an hour while birds flocked over the academic circle, their swooping and soaring silhouetted against the faded golden sky and smoky wisps of cloud. i just sat, breathed in their abandon. and itched for a camera (i have this bug badly, peeps).

both times, i thought about looking up. looking up to the sky, but also up to the Creator of the sky. being drawn to the beauty and peace of His handiwork. constantly ministered to by it.

it's kind of funny, actually. "looking up." i joked to myself this morning under the crystal blue canopy. "that's right, e. things are looking up here." and you know what, they are. i may be tired, tight now. but God is with me. and with Him, things are always looking up. always pressing forward to Christ.

"looking to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith..." hebrews 12:2

have i told you that i'm an introvert?

It's true. I process things internally. Sometimes deeply internally.

The funny thing about that is that the single thing that helps me process most effectively (especially emotions) is to talk. It doesn't even always have to be about the thing or the emotion itself. it's just the act of sharing, of being open, of pushing myself past my internal boundaries into the free air.

So the deal is, I need to talk. I'm going through some life changes here (dear friend starting college several states away from me, crazy practicum schedule beginning next week) and I see the potential for me to board myself up and just not come out for a few months. And that's not the kind of potential I look for when I want to see growth! :)

My consensus is that I need some sort of accountability for this; I figured my blog was a great option. I'd been considering posting here a lesson I learn each day for September, but I realized it doesn't even need to be that specific. Let's keep it simple, shall we? I'd like to set an expectation to post here each day this month. Most days it should be words, but I'm not making a rule against photos-only on a few days. I speak sometimes through images, too.

So, come on an adventure with me? I have no idea what I'll write or how the time/energy-factor will work once practicum starts. But I am excited to try.

Have I told you that I like few things better than a purposeful challenge?