my day, a la hipstamatic.

all things bright and beautiful.

 i now have a camera that fits in my pocket. my world is revolutionized.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He also has planted eternity in men's hearts and minds [a divinely implanted sense of a purpose working through the ages which nothing under the sun but God alone can satisfy], yet so that men cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end." ecclesiastes 3:11, amp

just for fun.

today i toyed with the idea of posting every day in october (for 31 days). then i wondered, why not post just to post? i haven't done that in a while.

so here i am. things going on here right now:

::amazing fall weather in the 60's...that's a good twenty degrees below where our thermometer has been the past few weeks. gorgeousness.

::finishing up some personal projects and brainstorming (and beginning to create) a stock for etsy...and loving the three huge spools of cotton thread sitting on my desk in apricot, white, and antique.

::i made pumpkin bars yesterday. yum. (i doubled the icing. very-much recommended.)

::a(nother) job interview which threw an unexpected kink in the middle of my week. apparently God isn't done teaching me about depending on Him. as if He ever will. heh. (thank goodness?)

::i hooped today for the first time in about a month. that combined with the weather was a wicked tonic. (i.e. very good.) and i got to use my new hoop, which is a featherweight (and small - 24") compared to my first (that link isn't to my exact hoop, which has now sold out. but it's the same size/weight). talk about a learning curve. talk about fun. :)

::i'm off to iron freshly pre-washed fabric.

::summer recap::

in the past few months, i...

::celebrated the fourth of july (1&2)...and labor day. (3)
::also celebrated three birthdays (julie, 4; caroline, 5; and kat! 21. umm...the numbers are their pictures, not their ages. :D)
::kind of didn't have a hurricane irene. (6)
::drank lots and lots of tea in september. (7)
::had some job interviews...and some jobs! (8)
::made art. (9, 10, and 11)
::went to the beach. several times! this was one of the highlights. i fell in love with the beach in summer - i haven't been in this season for years. (12 and 13)
::spent some time with miss josie. actually, she's at my feet right now. (14)
::took instax photos! must continue this. it's worth it. (15)
::spent time with a certain almost-two-year-old who always makes my day. (16)
::loved the kitchen. i made more than apple cake and ice cream (ice cream!) but this is what figures in the pictures. (17 and 18)
::hooped. a lot. except for this past month. i really miss it. (19)
::made things like cool pillows and repurposed cloth napkins and a quilt top (to be quilted in autumn). with a new sewing machine. made other things, too. (20 and 21)
::watched soul surfer. prepared to dislike. oh my. i was wrong. (not pictured.)
::read this book, which i've mentioned before but is worth mentioning again. (also not pictured.)
::and tonight, sent my parents off to the big city (or one of them near us, anyway) to be there when my brother gets married tomorrow. yes! you read that correctly. just thought i might mention it. ;) i'm so excited for them, and i get to be there for the bigger, traditional celebration in january.

those are some highlights of my summer. what are yours? xo.

(p.s. click to see the picture bigger if you like. :D)

on the 29th blog day of summer...

...a few of my favorite fall things. (i know. two days early. so sue me. i've been holding off on this forEVER.)

1. scarves. this is actually slightly amusing to me. i love to wear scarves, mix them into my outfits, dress up shirts, etc. this is one of my favorites (in the dusk color. the only one i have. i'm thinking maybe a new one this year?). thing is, every year by the time spring rolls around, i am sick. and. tired. of the things, and i swear off scarves. then autumn hints around 7 months later (so, we have  a long summer down here in the south) and i glance at those scarves and think why not and here i am in love again. scarves are a deliciously seasonal relationship for me and i love that. 
2. i actually don't have any other fall things i'd planned to talk about. mostly i wanted to tell you about scarves. maybe we'll just leave it at that? (i mean, obviously i like the cooler weather, and the rainy days, and clogs, and warm drinks, etc. but that's obvious. not whimsical like the dynamics between me and scarves.)

what are your favorite fall things? xo and see you tomorrow for the last day of summer. and for once, the blog day and the seasonal day will actually line up. last one. 

photo walk. (summer, day 28)

a little over a week ago, she and i took a little jaunt through the woods together with a camera. (well, two actually, but my battery died and so we were stuck with her dslr. such a pity. [ahem.]) this was the most beautimous result. (photo of the purple berries and all photos of me by the lovely caroline. xo.)

today. (summer, day 27)

so, today i accepted an amazing job offer.

and i'm dreaming up things to do on the side.

tell me - you who know me or read this blog and see the things i do - which of those things do you think would best go in a small online shop (i.e. an etsy shop)? you can suggest general skills (i.e. sewing/knitting/art/photography) or a specific project from the archives. or something completely new. just to give me a feel of what you like or would like or think i'm good at. just to help my brainstorm along. just because i'm curious. (click the relevant labels at the bottom of the post for ideas.)

thanks and xo.

30 days of summer :: 26

there are things i want to write, lying like salmon spawn beneath the tumbling waters of my mind. they are only eggs yet; not quite ready to break through that protective membrane and swim on their own tiny fins into growth and fullness.

but those thoughts on desire, and dreams, and expectations, and real-life. they are definitely there.

i'd say i will keep you posted, but there's always the chance that those thoughts will burst and dart away into fruition in my life before they can be hooked into this lil' blog. but you can always hope. and keep your eyes open. these eggs may appear later in some way, shape, or form. i'm just not promising that they will be neatly labeled.

xo.

on day 25 :: lemon cream ice cream

summer 24 :: in the making.

 i thought i'd catalog a few of the side projects i've got going (side referring to the odd jobs i'm working). you've already seen this quilt in the block stage, but now the quilt top is done. i need to get some backing fabric and then it will be on to layering, basting, and quilting.

 i whipped this up yesterday afternoon. yes, i've already shared the inspiration for this, too. the colors were based on these.

lastly, a painting in progress. i've never done anything like this, and i'm kind of winging it. just the sky is left (it will go on top of that purple underpainting at the top). this project inspired by a friend's painting (hi kat!) and loosely interpreted from this photo.

**edited to add**
i made this necklace this afternoon following my trip to the craft shop. two strings of beads, a pack of jump rings, a coil of 20 gauge colored copper wire, and two yards of fabric for $14 (instead of $32). i now have supplies for several more enterprises in jewelry making.

have i ever mentioned that i'm somewhat of a jill-of-all-trades?

what are you making? it doesn't have to be crafty. (i.e. you could be making new friendships, or strides toward a goal, etc.) :) please share.

summer, day 23.

today i went to a new restaurant in town and shared a pizza with my mom. mozzarella, spinach, sun-dried tomatoes, feta, roma tomatoes, and pesto all on a great golden crust. oh my. (mello mushroom, for the locals.)

that is all.

day 22 :: a little linky love.

or, (somewhat insignificant) pieces of my life right now. and various other captivating things from around the web.

::i got a fig & plum jelly roll for Christmas a few years ago (that's fabric, btw), which has been sitting on my shelf about a third of the way sewn into quilt blocks. this afternoon i put my sewing machine on my desk and whipped those strips into the rest of the blocks. see example above. :) my mom pointed out that the colors are somewhat autumnal, which is quite satisfactory considering the current seasonal shift.

::do-it-myself artwork for if i ever have my own kitchen (using spraypaint and thrifted silverware). probably with some color mixed in, though.

::i'm reading this book, and kind of making it a personal mission to spread it around. the relevance to my/our particular bubble of Christian culture and my own life and lessons in Christ over the past few years is quite refreshing. (in other words, "yes! someone finally put this into words for me so that i can actually hand it to a friend!")

::you know the multitudinous paper garlands that have been all the rage in the crafty internet spheres? (maybe you don't. it's ok.) i thought i was over them. then i saw this. must. make. my. own.

::finally, and close-to-most-importantly, you must go watch this cute video. i'm serious. three minutes is worth a grin. ("and i say, 'compared to what?'")

xo.

summer, day 21

i played apples to apples tonight. the cards i won:

cosmopolitan
ridiculous
philosophical
pure
realistic
dirty
stunning
and

irresistible.

"they" say the descriptions are supposed to characterize your future spouse. might not be so bad.

xo.

summer, day 20 :: things you might like to know

or, things on my list to tell you.

number one: i started another project 365. you know, that photography thing where i post a picture every day for a year. i didn't even wait for a logical date to start (and subsequently end). i just did. it's over here. (and a new button for the sidebar is in the works, should you want to find it again later.)

number two: swagbucks. remember i said i got this book for free? it's because of this bandwagon that i finally hopped onto (very late in the game). but if you're behind the ball like me, maybe you haven't heard of them yet. so check it out. basically you get "swagbucks" for using their search engine and doing other optional things like polls, and you can redeem the bucks for things like amazon gift cards. (that's what i do. for me, it tallies up to about five minutes a day earning bucks and about $10 in amazon gift cards a month. but if you sign up after clicking one of my links, i get more. just telling you like it is. honesty pays, they say. ahem.)

number three: it seems there are only about nineteen days left of summer. i have ten more days to post in order to fulfill the "30 days of summer" scheme. i suppose things need to pick up a little bit here. :) see you soon!

serendipitous :: day 19

definition:
obtained or characterized by serendipity (the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for; also: an instance of this)

or, when the two bowls you ordered over a month ago arrive on the same day as the book of ice cream recipes sent for just last week.

first in the freezer: salty caramel. i would promise a report on the results, but i think i may have burned this first batch of sugar by about half a second. so, not stellar - but still sure to be veryvery good (if strongly flavored).

more soon. as in: how i got this book for free. and maybe some about ice cream. i might have to rave.

xo.

30 days of summer :: day 18

i have exactly one word to describe the beach:

cleansing.

and that includes the waves that go entirely up your nose.

30 days of summer :: day 17

i planned a post sharing random pictures (where i've been, what i've been making, what the beagle pup looks like now, etc) combined with these links. a kind of lighter post for a change.

except that i'm driving to the beach with my brother and sister for the afternoon (in about an hour. not now.), and the pictures aren't really going to make it. instead, enjoy these links (which have been taking up tab space in my browser for much too long).

xo

}first up, a post by emily at chatting at the sky about august and transition. quite fitting.

}scroll down in this post (by kelly sauer) to find the quote from c.s. lewis's perelandra. (it's in the second gray text box.) i felt this way the day i went in to formally resign and work my last day. i'm praying that this seeming impossibility of finding a new dream/job goes the same way. (also: it makes me want to read the space trilogy!)

}this poem. just go. read it. then read it again. (on contentment/grace.)

}finally, a post/article detailing several myths about introverts. awesomeness. of greatest personal interest: the information on neurological differences between introverts and extroverts (in the introduction), and myths #2 and #3. of greatest personal disagreement: myth #9 claims that introverts are not thrill seekers. i protest that there must be exceptions to that rule. in any case, whether you are an introvert or no, enjoy. :)

you all are the best. (day 16 of 30)

i was so blessed by the overwhelming love you showered on my last post. many heartfelt thanks. i really mean it: you all are the best. i thank God for you.

i thought perhaps you'd like an update.

i wrote that post last tuesday (after, i might add, a week of struggling with those thoughts/feelings).

on wednesday, i took some proactive steps at work (read: met with a parent and the director to address an issue). i came home to your lovely comments. i was encouraged.

on thursday, the work situation (which should have improved) worsened. it started to sink in that the problem wasn't me or my lack of experience. things had much deeper roots - roots into the management and the fundamental ways that they run things. i talked to other more experienced teachers at the center on thursday and they confirmed it: the situation is stressful, unfavorable, void of respect and support. not to mention in a mess of transition that's been going on for months with no end in sight. given my other circumstances (a long commute, no health benefits, etc), just not worth the excessive strain for me.

on friday, i resigned and worked my last day. in a fit of providential timing, i ended up resigning just hours before the center director (who works under the organization director...which is where a lot of the problems are rooted) resigned herself. if i had waited or stayed, i would have been caught in an even huger mess. praise God.

so i'm back to square one here. the weekend featured massive relief. this morning - the first of not working - i am sorting through other inklings. i don't know what's next. God has a plan. etc.

when i said i was entering a bit of limbo, i didn't think it would be this big. sometimes God has to make big moves to get through my stubborn head. nevertheless, the ride continues. do you like roller coasters? :D

summer :: day 15

i struggle to write when my world, my life, my heart is a mess. (i guess that's actually kind of always. that things are a mess. sin exists, after all. but you know what i mean. more than the usual mess. extremely messy, actually.)

or maybe i should just say hard. confusing. exhausting. emptying. oh so very heavy, taking effort to raise even my eyelids to the day, much less my body and soul.

that's when i shy from writing, because i want to be real but disdain complaining. and i can't find the line between the two to be sure i don't cross it. so here i am. draw your own line.

thanks for listening. let me get that out there. i need to be here. i need to share. it's a means of God's grace to me right now, to talk, to share, to receive love. it's humbling. but really - thanks.

i know this is kind of a blindside because last my blog heard, i loved my job. i was blissed out. head over heels, feet in the sky. now, i've fallen. hard.

you don't really need the details or gossip or whatever it's called. but things have shifted. what was up is down now. what was easy is hard. what was good is...hard too.

i doubt my calling these days. i doubt my sanity. and my ability.

i pray, and i give up my imagined right to success - even perceived success. even success in the eyes of others. i realize that maybe this is one big objective on learning humility in God's lesson plans for me.

i try to remember that He never asked me not to be human. (kls)

and i search for comfort.

random things cross my brain and stand out, like the fact that i relax completely when i drive but my body has kinks in it afterwards, and isn't that counter-intuitive? i make a list in my head of lists to write:  
}"easy things to take care of myself" (when i don't have the energy to exercise...or really anything else for that matter)
}"things that people's words/attitudes cannot take from me"
}"why i actually truly like kids" (so i - maybe - can remember)
}"possible reasons why couples would have children when they plan on sending them to childcare?" (are there any? i mean, seriously. what is the point of having children if you are not going to raise them?)

some reasons you should not worry (another list, actually made this time):
-one thing i actually fully trust at the moment is God's goodness. call me crazy, but without this i actually would be. crazy, that is.
-i suppose that if i do truly trust that goodness, all of these other overwhelming things can be reasoned into ok-ness. (note to self: good point, emily. think about that.) that's actually not a reason you shouldn't worry. just thought progression. sorry.
-there are people on my side. my family gets a big shout out here. my parents just held me in the kitchen for almost half an hour. (giant sigh of relief)
-the fact that i am sharing this is proof that i am ok. if i wasn't "ok," i would be hiding, silent, dark. for an introvert, a tiny bit of drama is actually healthy. sometimes. (see: i'm trying to convince myself.)
-because God said so. just putting that out there. to myself.

reason #2 i don't like writing at times like this: it feels selfish. (goes back to that humility thing.) please know that you are under no obligation to either read or comment on my blog. (but you've read it now, i know. and i really meant that thank you.)

xo all, and please add a grain of salt. thanks.

day 14 :: 30 days of summer

have i mentioned God's sense of humor before?

heh.

so today, two weeks into my new child care job and loving it (yes i know. loving it. and settled. and thinking - wow. this is going to be my life! after only two weeks. and trying not to disbelieve how amazing it all is but continually gaping at God's uncanny work.) ...i found a message on my phone on the drive home.

"hi. this is [so and so] from [such and such] child care. i'm calling to schedule a meeting for an interview, we'd really appreciate it if you would get back to us if you are interested."

[such and such] child care just happens to be the one that was my number-one-pick job when i was sending in applications. the dream one.

now i'm settled in my new dream job. (except that it's a 35 minute drive out-of-town. and they don't have a group health care plan. and there is very limited personal/vacation time. but otherwise? i like the people. like the kids. like the child care center. almost everything seems a plus. also. did i mention i kind of like it?)

so i'm back to the drawing board with God. stretched in my mind between loyalty to a center where i've worked for two weeks and who would be thrown into a lurch should i leave...and an idea of maybe an even more perfect opportunity. feeling potentially crazy either way.

all i can think is have Thy own way, God. i'm along for the ride.

fasten your seat belts. re-entering a little bit of limbo here, even if it is primarily consisting of mental acrobatics.

on the other hand, this looks fun.

30 days of summer :: day 13

cliffsnotes:

my brother was sick last weekend. how is it that sharing works with things you don't want, too? i've spent this week with a teasing sore throat...holding off the rest of the symptoms (hopefully, 1 day to go) until the weekend. thank God for immune systems. literally.

do you know what cliffsnotes are? (google it.)

tomorrow is water day at child care. that means we get to change a dozen or so two-year-olds into water clothes, then play in sprinklers and waterfalls and sprayers for an hour...and then change them back (imagine the soaking clothes and bodies). i have a feeling that hour of bliss will be worth it. so much fun.

do you know what a positive mental attitude is? (yeah. don't google that. i just did and it's not exactly what i was going for. how about..."count it all joy?" except that's out of context. anyway...)

tomorrow is also pay day. my first full paycheck. cha-ching. it's not all about the money, but a salary is a wonderful thing. responsibility = rewarding. finally.

today i made my classroom prettier. paper chains, child's artwork, and pictures from the zoo, anyone? it beats blank yellow walls in my opinion. maybe sometime when i've settled in even more and the kids aren't in the room and the light is good (and, and, and), i'll take pictures. that would be fun.

yep. this is my life, or at least what comes to mind at the end of a day. more cohesive thoughts later.

stories from day 12, the mulled-over edition

this morning, my team of back-up for dealing with two-year-olds gained a father. that child that spent all of yesterday testing my boundaries and concluded in the end that he needed a new teacher (because he is so used to working his way either by manipulation or sheer outlasting of effort)...he started right in again this morning. and the assistant director called his dad (which was nice. that she was supporting me). and his dad came.

half of me thought he might be mad. the dad. but what i saw was relief. apparently he's been fighting this battle alone at home (the mother/siblings are all under this youngest's sway). so the dad was glad to gain an ally, too, and glad to come. and have the child know he would come.

whew.

there's a little one who shares my name in my class. she sooo reminds me of myself, and i so love her. she melted down today because her new pull-ups (which have the exact same dora pictures on them) have white on the sides instead of pink. it took me a few minutes to figure out the difference and then i couldn't help a personal laugh inside myself as i eased that pull-up onto her writhing body which protested with every ounce of her being the change to her "status quo." her normal. once i finally got on her pull-up (and got it to stay on against her will) and her skirt and her little green crocs, it still took about five minutes of holding her until she stopped trying to take them off again. (plus a few more for her to calm down enough to eat her snack.)

it's amazing what you can do even with a two-year-old in your arms.

but i love her for it. isn't that crazy? all i can see is my who-knows-what-age self shedding desperate tears over a velvet dress with seams that poke her tummy.

it makes me think of God. watching me throw figurative temper tantrums of worry at change, or things out of my control, or silly doubts and anxieties...and yet loving me more for it. is that possible? that He's that...tender?

i like getting to be tender and strong. firm, but kind. i think that maybe, just maybe, i can make a difference even with these twos to whom i tell the same things over and over and who never seem to listen. but maybe it's not the things i say that matter so much. maybe it's the love i show.

the lesson of day 11

is just this: when a two-year-old looks at you at the end of a long day and declares that he needs another teacher, take it as a compliment. it means it might be sinking in to his brain that he's not going to get away with much, no matter what he's used to.

once it sinks a little more he'll realize he actually likes the fact that i'm in charge.

30 days of summer :: day...10?

i have fourth of july pictures to share that are really from the first of july.

i haven't had time or energy to edit them.

oh well. i decided that actually coming here and sharing something was more important than editing photos. maybe another day?

things i have learned/relearned about two-year-olds:

-you must pick your battles. because every one you pick will be a full frontal combat. two-year-olds don't do anything half way, and that includes...well...everything.

-when a two-year-old is mad at you (say, for encouraging them to share...or ending their turn at the art easel or the swing...or helping them to use the bathroom when they "don't have to"...), one of their main tactics of expression is to sit down and throw off their shoes.

-the above action (of taking off their shoes) only introduces a new struggle: they must wear their shoes at child care.

-so i get to pick another battle. except i can't really pick this one. so i just pick my approach carefully. sometimes butting head-on with a two-year-old only encourages their head-butting (figuratively, of course).

-enter the shoe-sneak approach. pick up the child, and their shoes. sit with them calmly (as calmy as possible in a room containing 9 two-year-olds and one adult, which is actually more than you might expect), and explain that they may either wear their shoes and get down to play, or not wear their shoes and remain in your arms (where not-very-much cuddling is going on, by the way). they will very emphatically proclaim that they don't want to wear their shoes. so you go about your business, quietly, with that child on your hip. you rescue toys and heads and you play with other children and generally ignore that one. this is a sneak approach, remember. after a while, you sit back down, and while talking to another child, you put those shoes back on. then you walk around some more until that absolutely-no-shoes child has forgotten that she is now wearing shoes, and you "inadvertently" set her down as you wander the room. and maybe, just maybe, she will look around a little dazedly and toddle off to occupy herself...with her shoes on. win.

-and lest you think that the two-year-old actually won, remember that bit about not encouraging their head-butting. 

that's my lesson for today, at least. more to come, tomorrow.

[and fyi: i like it, peeps. at one point today, four of them were surrounding me and taking turns giving me hugs and each protesting that, "no, she's my miss emily!!!" and yes. two-year-olds always use that many exclamation points.]

so. (day 9)

it may have been somewhat rash of me to begin these 30 days in the same week that i begin a new/first (real) job. on the other hand, it may have been rather opportune - to keep me emoting as life shifts so wildly. in the end, both are probably true.

if you end up getting scattered recaps of the randomness of my days in the next few weeks, i apologize in advance. i have a feeling that, until i get used to it, spending the day with 14 two-year-olds may leave very few brain cells for my blog.

all this is not to say that i don't love said two-year-olds. i do. even with the screaming, running, biting, crying, and hitting...my heart was lost in 5 short hours today. hopelessly lost.

this is a good thing. if i didn't love the kids, i couldn't do this job. so...check. another box ticked on the plus side, along with many, many others. (did i mention cute scrubs? lol.)

and so it begins. the life of God's girl, at work. the life of a working girl.

hi. :) (sorry. just felt a need to introduce my very-same self. now i feel like flynn. :D)

xo

things i've done on :: day 8

:: realized that i wrote yesterday's post, published it, and forgot to change the title to something more appropriate. (it reflects my initial attempt at subject matter. grant you, it still kind of fits. kind of.)

::traipsed around downtown - the sheriff's office, the courthouse...getting a background check and fingerprinted. yay. (actually, i really did enjoy it. it was fun to work the system and chat with nice workers.)

::filled out paperwork, signed forms, read handbooks.

what i will do tomorrow :: get my tb test site checked...get a physical...buy some (cute! eep!) scrubs, and...go to orientation training.

what i might do on friday :: spend my first day at work and receive my first paycheck.

that is all. (not all i did today. just all. :D)

xo

day 7 :: a list of grateful

i'm holding on to promises tonight. He knows the (good! prosperous!) plans He has for me. He gives grace. He provides. He finishes what He begins. 

i am hopeful, with a quiet, trusting (somewhat struggling, yet very intentional) hope. it makes little sense in the face of the job position i officially received today (read: i got the job!), but does make sense in the face of some of the stipulations (read: 3 personal days total in the first year. which really bursts my rr bubble and...well...it bursts my bubble). i prayed for peace, for wisdom earlier this week and it came...and now my job is to trust. i tell myself that He works all things together in His time, and that might mean rr after all and it might not. but it does mean that He is trustworthy. good. not safe, but good.

i rest in that tonight. (tomorrow, i may tell you about this thing called time and how after 15 years of school life that is neatly segmented into smallish chunks of weeks and months - each chunk with its nicely corresponding tasks and goals...and end dates - i realize that maybe life doesn't actually look that way? maybe it just stretches on nebulously with only self-studied guideposts for scenery. i may be wrong. just getting my bearings here. stay tuned.)

day 6 :: right now

 making...repurposed cloth napkins from a stained tablecloth. (love.)

waiting...still on that call from my interviewer of last week. she's a busy lady. no worries.

baking...cheddar herb biscuits to go with our (thai) dinner...because somehow i've seen the red lobster commercial quite frequently of late and every time my mouth waters. (mine were better though. promise.)

loving...one of the verses i looked up this morning. (click to see.)

reading...the financial planning workbook. there's this weird thing where money numbers are less comforting than plain math numbers. (or maybe it's that money numbers are more stressful. something like that.)

checking...things off my list like the last of my graduation thank-yous and such. oh. also? i keep checking the mouse traps in my closet. and they are still empty. i know for a fact that there is still at least one more to be caught (after the two i slayed on saturday). come out, come out, wherever you are.

heading...to watch lark rise to candleford with the family. g'night, all.

xo emily

30 days of summer :: day 5

i knew coming into this week that i was entering what would be the trickiest time of the summer. the big things (vacation, counseling at string camp) would be over, the absence of another year of school awaiting me would start to sink in, and all that would be left was the who knows what. don't we all cling to the concrete, the thing we can hold under our finger?

i think the knowing it was coming helped. it helped to not be afraid. to say, God will be there, too. present. with me.

and He is. even though i have no clue how just the next 7 days will (could/might/should) look, not to mention the months following. i kind of like it that way. (ahem. you know, as much as i could possibly like not knowing.) i think that if i could see where i will be in three, five, seven months, it could be too much for me to handle.

that's why God made me a finite being, bound to time and space. because even if my body could handle stretching through those boundaries, my mind and my heart and my faith couldn't.

so here i am, present in the not-knowing, and alive to God here in this moment.

maybe He likes it that way too.

day 4 of 30 :: flashback to vacation